Harper’s Journey

How and when do we decide we are able to let go of something, of someone? We can bear witness to the signs of something in our lives approaching an end or know deep in our hearts that someone is no longer aligned with us, but it’s another thing entirely to be in the space of making that decision, especially when you know your decision will directly impact another.

My Harper has been with me on my journey (and I on hers) for 13 years. She has been the most wonderful canine companion that I never knew I needed. I adopted her from a rescue 13 years ago when she was already 2 years old. She had a rather unfortunate first two years of life on this Earth and I knew that for the rest of her journey, she deserved to feel connection, love and loyalty. It started out bumpy for us as we adjusted to life together – me newly back in the United States and her – finding herself in yet, another home with another caretaker.

I wanted a dog so badly for years and was never in a situation to be able to have one. The first thing I did after renting my apartment upon returning to the US was to begin my search for a companion. Harper’s story was so compelling. It drew me in immediately. She had been born deaf, had lived with a family that neglected (and potentially abused) her because they didn’t have the patience nor compassion to work with her, and after two years was handed over to a rescue agency to see if she could be re-homed. It was suggested that she be the only dog in the household and that the adopter be really committed to working with her – as she had deep trust issues. I reached out and arranged to meet her.

We met at a dog park in Jacksonville. I was excited to meet Harper and also nervous about how it would go. The woman let Harper loose to run around the dog park as she and I talked for an hour. She was doing her due diligence to find out more about my background, my intentions and get a feel for my character. It went as well as it could have; I was completely honest about my lack of confidence in being the right human for this beautiful, white-with-khaki-spotted American Bulldog mix with crystal blue eyes. She assured me it wouldn’t be an easy road, but that she was confident that I could do it and offered a two-week trial with Harper. Soon after that, she came by my apartment to check it out and with that final approval, she brought Harper and a few of her belongings over and left us to be.

Those first two weeks were rough, indeed. I wanted Harper to feel at ease with me, but she was hesitant to open up. It took the entirely of those two weeks to figure out what her triggers were. There were two that stood out: she would growl if you put your hand near her back legs and she was food aggressive. Her evaluation of me might have looked like: she’s too clingy and she doesn’t share enough of her food with me. On the bright side, we made some progress during those two weeks. Harper began to come sit with me more and more and I was winning her over with snacks. I gave daily updates to the woman from the rescue agency and at the end of the trial she asked the same question I couldn’t get out of my own mind: “Do you want to keep Harper?”

I didn’t know if Harper and I had made enough progress together. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be capable to giving her the care she deserved. When I said this to the woman at the rescue agency, it was as if she expected it. She gave me some kind words of motivation and asked me to sleep on it (the decision) for one more night. She was like a magical fairy Godmother; She knew how all of this would go. She was just letting me come to the conclusion in my own time.

That last night, I had a rather blunt conversation with my deaf companion. I told her that I was struggling with such a heavy commitment and that I was unsure if we would be able to be what each other needed. In turn, she offered me her sharp crystal-blue eyes and without words, told me that we should try anyway.

The next years brought so much change – astrologically, it was a loaded 13-year period for me all around – but it was a transformation through which my Harper was by my side for it all. The jobs, the homes, the partnerships, my father’s death, my son being born, our move to the farm in Vero Beach. Our journey started in the city and here we are now on the farm where Harper and I both grew older together like she knew we could. She once told me in an animal communication session that she had a specific milestone that she wanted me to reach before she departed; she said it was a portal through time in which I would have come so far in my healing that I was ready to move on and she wanted to see me off for that moment. This is that moment. The big changes are afoot.

So here we are, us gals. I’m wrapping up a chapter in my life that has brought to the surface so much anxiety, tension, and pain, but also so much love, healing and growth. Harper has transformed to. Harper in her loved, nurtured state is a loyal protector, a sassy princess, and the greatest support companion a girl can ask for. She forced me to take a deep look at myself and know my own value and I like to think that I had some part in shaping her beautiful evolution.

One of my fondest memories of Harper is the day we went to a 10-acre dog park in Jacksonville. It was our first time there and she had only been my companion for a few months. It was an off-leash park with a forest of trails and a large pond that dogs could swim in. When we arrived and went in the front gate that first time, she was so excited, screaming and wagging her tail. I was concerned that she would go too far and lose sight of me; she’s deaf and depends on her eyesight. Turns out she was a little too excited and ran off toward the pond where there were over 100 dogs and their guardians. I tried to run fast after her, but I realized she lost track of me and even though I could see her off in the distance and I was waving my arms at her, she could not find me in the crowd. I remember the panic and then desperation on her face when she lost me and couldn’t find me. At that moment, we both had an epiphany at the same time – it was like we read each other’s minds. I started running all the way to the front entry gate where we came in and as I turned around, I saw her making her way toward the gate, looking in the faces of people she passed along the way to see if it was me. I stood there waiting for her. It was absolute jubilation for both of us when we met up at the front gate. That was when I knew without a doubt that we had truly bonded and that the hidden gift of that moment was knowing how aligned we were.

Here I sit writing this at the end of Harper’s earthly life in which I’ve had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life, whether to let her go. I was torn by my own selfish desire to keep her near me or whether I should let her tired achy body rest and her soul depart. I decided to ask her directly if it was time to let go and she confirmed it was her time to go and said we’d meet up on the other side.

I honor Harper’s journey and thank her for being such a monumental part of mine.

I love you, Harper. Here on Earth, there in the quantum and everywhere in between.